Getting a Diagnosis

For some, a formal Autism diagnosis may not be necessary. For me, there was a part of myself that felt confident in my own knowing of my neurodivergence and a part that badly wanted affirmation from an expert. In the end, the part that wanted validation, won out.

I wanted to know, with certainty, that my hunches and connections were correct. That all of the memories, traits and quirks that I had attributed to being, “weird” or “different” were in fact, Autism. I desired to be seen for who I was, authentically and not the mask I so often wore to survive.

Growing up, I badly wanted to blend in, disappear, sink into the background; essentially be invisible. All the traits that made me stand out, I felt, were wrong or made me less than others. I criticized these traits and tried to “get rid of them” through masking and observing how others behaved.

But as I’ve matured (and been in my own therapy), I’ve realized that these undesirable parts of myself are what make me, who I am. They make me uniquely myself. So through this journey of self discovery and diagnosis, I have come to be more accepting of all of the parts of me.

Of course, I’m not perfect; some days internalized ableism gets the better of me and I become self critical. “Why can’t I have an easier time at the grocery store,” for example, people do it everyday without issue. But then I remind myself that I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, even by myself.

One way of treating myself better, was to seek out a diagnosis, to have the affirmation I craved and needed to move forward. The process was exactly what I needed. It helped me see myself more clearly.

So all this to say, not everyone needs a formal diagnosis. Some folx are happy understanding their Autistic nature without confirmation by another party. Self diagnosis is valid and the community welcomes those who self identify. Also it should be said that most assessments are financially out of reach for many people or the waitlist is so lengthy that it takes months or years to be seen.

For those who would be interested in seeking a diagnosis, I’d be happy to discuss what the process was like for me. Who knows, in the future, I may offer assessment services myself. To give to other Autistic folx, what was so valuably given to me; a mirror to my true self.